The sum of my favorite things
by JosieRevisited
Summary: A femshep\Traynor piece, mostly because I need a break from my other project.
1. Chapter 1: Renunciation

A/N:

Just because I really wanted to do this and I need a break from my other project. This is not going to be as in-depth as that work; just something fun and interesting because it's kind of how I felt when playing through 3. Plus, I really, REALLY, like Sam.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Renunciation**

"Come back soon, Liara…"

The words echo in my mind, as I sit here in the captain's cabin absently staring at my console. I'm alone again, isolated and cut off from everything and everyone I hold dear. It seems like I am always alone, even when surrounded by friends. The past five years have easily been the most difficult and desolate years of my life. I look to the ceiling, seeking answers, seeking salvation, seeking redemption, but the cold steel that makes up the framework of this new Normandy is frustratingly silent. There are no answers for me within its erratic patterns and swirls. It leaves me to my misery. Perhaps it is in league with the reapers. It seems almost everyone is, these days.

I look around, seeking any evidence of the vessel's betrayal. This room is exorbitant, and I am reminded of the nights in my youth I would fill with fantasy vids, of ancient times and ancient things. It seemed that the antagonist always had posh surroundings, while the protagonist barely scraped by with a tent or some other modest accommodation. I wonder why that was, and I wonder what that means for me, here in this room, surrounded by all of these beautiful things. Does that make me the antagonist in this horrible, horrible tale? I look at the fish tank to my left, and then to the ship models suspended in the glass display case in front of me. I shouldn't even be spending credits on such nonsense, but there they are, models of every known ship in the galaxy, all neatly stacked on top of one another.

_Maybe I _am _the antagonist, and I just think I'm fighting the good fight. Maybe I am actually a puppet of the reapers, and they are pulling my strings even as I sit here wondering who I am and what I am doing. Perhaps this is all just part of their master plan, and I am a more than willing pawn in their galactic game of chess. _

I hate it here. I would much rather be in one of the sleeper pods down on the crew deck, with my fellow Marines, where I belong. Lt. Alenko should be here, and he should be monitoring the crew's vital signs as they slumber. He should be in the medbay, getting his regular treatment from Chakwas to sooth his headaches. He should be smiling as Williams, Jenkins and I approach, ready to take our sleep shift. He should be helping us all into our pods and nodding as the lids close. He should be here, and Jenkins should be here, and it's all my fault that they aren't.

_It's just me and Williams now. How did that happen, anyway? I can barely even remember. I wonder if that's because of the damage to my… corpse…_

I cringe as the thought invades my mind, but it's the truth. I was a corpse, hideously reanimated like something out of a science fiction horror vid. I am a zombie, and sometimes I can't really tell if I am alive or still dead. I guess I'm mostly dead. Nothing about this body feels like it's alive anymore, and nothing about this body feels natural or normal. My flesh isn't mine, and the blood that courses through my veins is saturated with some sort of microscopic nano-technology bits that Cerberus developed. I am a machine, and I no longer even recognize myself. I am one of _them_. I am barely a step removed from a Geth… or a reaper. I close my eyes, but even shutting out the images of the horrible beauty surrounding me doesn't banish my self-doubting thoughts.

This room is haunted. It's haunted by her presence, it's haunted by the ghosts of those who died on the original ship, and it's haunted by the things I have done. I can hear the echoes of the past, and it drives me mad. All of it drives me mad. I cannot stay in this room any longer. I have to get out of here; it's too stifling. It bears down on me, intent on crushing my spirit and destroying my will. The walls are closing in on me, and I can think of nothing but escape. I have things to attend to anyway. I have to decide where we are headed to next, and I have to decide who will be going with me. I am not sorry to leave this empty room behind.

I'm Commander Shepard and this is my least favorite place in the universe.

* * *

I make my way out to the bridge, and lose myself in the galaxy map, where slowly the ratio of reaper-invaded space to ally-controlled space is getting larger. The tides are turning. We need more time. There is no more time. We need more allies. No one wants to step up and help. We need more firepower. Too many of us are still focusing on petty disagreements and ignoring the big picture. We need more scientists… We have been abandoned by the brightest because they cannot let old wounds heal. We need… we need… we need…

_Why didn't she come to see me? _

The thoughts destroy what small concentration I had. I know that I have bigger things to worry about, but right now the emptiness is bearing down on me and I cannot focus. She's supposed to be by my side through everything. She's supposed to be looking at this map with me. She's supposed to be helping me to plan the offensive. Isn't that what a partner does? But she isn't my partner. I was a couple of encounters and someone to use when she needed help with her own issues. That's all I was to her. That's all I could ever be to her. I'm not even sure why it bothers me so much. I should have known better than to get involved with someone so… alien. They don't see things the way we do. They don't want the same things we do… and I should have known that.

_Don't forget how cold she was on Illium. It's like you were never lovers at all. It's like you were never close at all. It's like… you were just an experiment to her…_

My hands grip the railing and my knuckles feel as though they may burst through the skin. I probably _was_ just an experiment; just someone who was convenient and available and willing to step into the fire. I lean forward and try to focus on the notes placed on the map. That British comm specialist is looking at me again. She's doing that a lot lately. What's her name? Taylor? Trailer? I can't remember. I have to get myself under control before the crew starts to lose hope. They are all counting on me to keep it together. I glance over and give her my best reassuring smile, and try once more to focus on the pale blue projection that is slowly being overtaken by red. It's not her fault. She's just been thrust into a situation she never anticipated, and she's looking to me for strength. They all are.

_Maybe Liara wasn't joking all those years ago about wanting to make an in-depth study of my exposure to Prothean tech. Maybe it was all just an elaborate ruse to get inside my head and extract whatever it was she was actually after. What _was_ she after? Will I ever know? Should I ask? Or should I just leave it alone…_

I can't stop thinking about it. I have to stop thinking about it. Maybe it really was all just a lie. My head is swimming and it's threatening to escape through my eyes. I dare not close them, for if I do the liquid fire will surely spill forth. That comm officer is still watching me, and I can't let her see this weakness. I push away from the railing and shake my head. This map has no answers for me either, only more death, and loneliness, and despair. This room is haunted too. All the decisions I made on this very platform, all the lives I sacrificed, all of the creatures I put down in my arrogance, my ignorance… they all swim in my vision, swirling among the artificial stars in this map, begging me for deliverance. I look around at the various crew members immersed in their individual tasks, and I say a little prayer for all of us. We are going to need it.

I'm Commander Shepard and this is my least favorite place in the universe.

* * *

The walk to her quarters isn't as I remember it. I had the route memorized and could have walked it in my sleep, back in those days. I would turn on my heel and head to the port door, down the steps and cross over to the starboard side of the ship to enter the medbay. She was in the room just beyond. She was always in that room, just beyond. Chakwas would give me a knowing smile and busy herself at her terminal, and I would nod to her with a smile of my own. Those days were dangerous, but they were comforting and exciting as well. There was something different about the atmosphere. Maybe it was the ship. Maybe it was the crew. Maybe it was a lot of things that I will never understand.

Maybe it was a dream.

This place is different. She isn't on the same side of the ship. I have to take an elevator to get to that deck. The layout isn't familiar anymore, even though I've spent the better part of the last few years on this model. Something about it still just doesn't feel right. I don't even want to go inside that room, because I don't know the woman who dwells within; not anymore. I don't know the crew who mans this vessel. I'm no longer sure I even really know myself.

_Why am I here? What do I hope to accomplish by coming here? _

I ask myself the question, but the answer is already in the forefront of my mind. I need the closure. I need to put this away so that I can focus, and I can't put it away until we address it. I push the button to open the airlock door, and steel myself for what is surely about to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

_She is breathtaking; even after all this time and all that has happened. It has aged her, but she wears it well. Her skin is darker, and her eyes are harsher, but her smile is still her own, just barely reminiscent of that frightened archaeologist I rescued so many years ago. Oh, Liara, why didn't you come see me? Why did you leave me to deal with it all on my own for so many years? _

She's apologizing to me for that. I wonder if she can read my mind, even when we are not intimate. Were we that close? I don't know why, but the thought makes me nervous. I don't want her in there anymore. She's hurt me, and I want to lash out by denying her access. Would it hurt her? Would she even notice?

_Perhaps not. Revenge isn't going to help you move on, though. It is foolish to even have such thoughts. _

She is turning away from me now, and I think I know why.

Guilt.

The guilt is bothering her. Maybe it's finally hit home that she wasted years we could have had together, and now it might be too late. Or maybe I am wrong altogether, and she is just trying to come up with a way to tell me it's over. Maybe she is wondering what her life would have been like if she had come with me instead of chasing the Shadow Broker. I brace myself for whatever is about to happen next, but it still hits me like a ton of bricks when she asks me where we stand.

_Liara, I don't know. _

My thoughts are racing, and I stand there for a few moments just looking at the back of her neck. That exposed flesh that once drove me into such a frenzy of passion now gives me pause. I'm not even sure her skin would feel the same. It doesn't even look the same. If I reached out for her right now, would the lightning course through my veins once more, or would it just be going through the motions? Would we fall into each other again, laughing and talking late into the night like we did before the Collectors attacked? Would she trace the outline of my hair again, looking up at my smiling eyes and pulling me back onto her, not yet satisfied, never satisfied? Would I grip into her skin, enjoying the almost leathery feel of it against my own softer, more mammalian skin? Would we disappear into the night, breathless and blissfully unaware that anything else existed?

I've delayed too long. I have to give her my answer. She's turned toward me now; almost as if she knows what the response will be… what it must be. Does she know the things I have been contemplating? Does she see the questions in my eyes? Does she… does she know how much I loved her, and how much she hurt me?

_I'm sorry Liara, but I can't let you hurt me anymore. Neither of us are the same as we were before I died, and we can never go back. I have to let this go. _

I tell her so, and I see her heart breaking through the glassy reflections in her eyes. Mine is breaking as well, but too much time has passed, and I don't feel the same way. She's hurt me with silence, with absence, and with neglect for too long. I want to reach out for her, to comfort her, to comfort myself… I want to take her in my arms and pull her away from those awful consoles incessantly beeping at her, demanding her attention, requiring direction from the Shadow Broker… I want to disappear into the night with my familiar lover, forgetting the reapers and the Geth and the invasions and all the death… but that would just confuse the issue. It won't make the hurt go away, and it won't change who we have turned into. It's over. I need to do this, for my sake, for her sake, and for the sake of all the lives that are depending on us to save them. She wasn't there for me when I needed her the most, and now we will both have to live with it. Something else was more important to her. Something else was always more important.

I turn away from her, though I see her raising an arm to reach for me. It is too late, and I need to escape from this room. I'm glad she has made herself comfortable, but seeing how information brokering has taken her away from me makes me sick to my stomach. I've had enough.

I'm Commander Shepard and this is my least favorite place in the universe.


	2. Chapter 2: Fascination

**Chapter 2: Fascination**

I focus on my console and try not to look at her as she walks out onto the bridge. It's difficult though; she fairly commands the room. All eyes go to her the second she enters, and everyone in the area stands at attention whether she ranks them or not. It's not hard to see why the alliance selected her to lead this expedition. Everything about her screams 'leader', and even I didn't take very long to accept her command over me.

_Well, maybe that's not the best way to phrase it…_

My eyes close involuntarily and I shake my head. It is improper to have such thoughts about my commanding officer, and I know it. It wasn't any different back at the labs – fraternization was a strict no-no. It is inappropriate, and I doubt that she is even thinking about romance with all that is going on. Even if she was, she certainly wouldn't consider it with me. Not me, not when there are so many better choices, like that beautiful asari downstairs. What is her name? Liara. Even her name is sensual and graceful. The asari are the most magnificent creatures in the universe. I could never hope to compete for the commander's attention against someone so exquisite. I open my eyes again and try to erase the ideas from my mind. Better not to speculate too much. It's distracting, and it's a fool's errand anyway. Those sorts of thoughts lead only to broken hearts.

She is on the platform in front of the galaxy map now, only a few feet away. I steal a glance at her, and my heart aches as I do. If she gripped that railing any tighter I think it would break off. Her knuckles are pure white. Something is bothering her, and she's come out here to think. She's doing that a lot, lately. She notices my attention and smiles a patronizing smile. I know what she is trying to do. She is trying to be strong for all of us. I look around at the rest of the crew. They are all engrossed in their work. None of them notice their commanding officer breaking down on the platform in the center of the room. None of them even look up. None of them are aware that anything at all is amiss. Her ruse fools them… but it doesn't fool me.

_I see it, Commander. I see your pain. No one else does, but I see it. I wonder what you are thinking. I wonder what is breaking you inside. Is it the reapers on Earth? Is it the pushback you are getting from the allied races? Is it something else, something closer to home? Would you tell me if I asked you? Do you want to tell me? Would you accept my comfort?_

I think about that for a moment. Would she tell me? Would I have the courage to approach her? How would I address it? I consider it for a long time as she stands up there on her lonely perch in silence. She doesn't activate the map; rather, she just stares into the swirling patterns, completely still. We're both completely still now; I've given up pretending to type messages to Alliance Command. I can't focus when she is near. I can't even hear the sounds of the ship anymore. All has gone silent, and all that I am aware of is Commander Jane Shepard just a few feet away from me, but still so far out of my reach.

_She will always be out of your reach, Samantha. You really ought to just leave this one be._

She's shifting again and I see her fighting back tears. My chest feels suddenly heavy, and I want to step up there and take her in my arms. She looks so alone. She looks so lonely.

_She has to be alone, you know. She's got more on her plate than just sending round a few messages and analyzing some data. You've got it easy, Samantha. _

She's on the move again. I wiggle my fingers a little to project the illusion that I'm still working, but my eyes follow her as she enters the elevator. She either doesn't notice my half-hearted attempt to look busy; or at the very least, doesn't think it important enough to comment on. I'm grateful for that. I wonder where she is going, although I know it's not my place to ask. She turns as she enters the elevator, and leans forward to activate the control panel and select her destination. I'm sure that she sees my head turned. She has to, right? There's no way she doesn't notice me watching her.

The doors shut, and she is gone. I'm left alone here on the bridge once more. Well, that's not _quite_ right… there _are _other crew members here… but I feel like I've been abandoned. I am aware of her lingering presence, but somehow that just makes me feel emptier. She's always here. I always sense her. I've never been so aware of my own proximity to another, and I've never encountered someone so blissfully oblivious to my interest. I turn around and lean against the console, just looking at the elevator door.

_She went down a level. Crew deck. Maybe she's gone to see the asari. Maybe she's gone to tell Liara about all of her worries, and all of her troubles. Liara will comfort her. Liara will know what to do. Liara will ease the commander's pain and take away her anxiety. _

I snort in derision, and am surprised at my own annoyance. It hurts. I barely know the woman, but it hurts already to think of her with another. I turn back to my console and look toward the now empty platform. I can almost see where she had been gripping the railing. Her strength is remarkable. She's left imprints on solid steel. What I wouldn't give to have those hands gripping me, instead of the cold metal alloys of the ship. What I wouldn't give, to be the one she's running to right now. What I wouldn't give, to be the one she confides in, the one she seeks, the one she needs. I look back at my console and take a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the now departed commander.

I'm Specialist Traynor, and this is my favorite place in the universe.

* * *

It's been hours. My shift is thankfully over. I can't spend another moment next to this empty platform, willing her to reappear. She never returned from whatever business she had on the crew deck, and I can only surmise that it's because she never left. She's probably lying in Liara's arms right now, letting out all of her pain and anger; letting it wash away with the asari's gentle caress and soft voice. She's probably slumbering quietly, forgetting all of her ire from earlier and relaxing her overworked muscles.

_You _have_ to stop thinking about it. You are being sooo ridiculous. The commander thinks of you as nothing more than a communications specialist, a useful asset to the Normandy. And that's what you should be, Samantha. You shouldn't be sitting here thinking about her relationship with Liara. It's none of your business, really._

I sit in front of the shared console in the crew quarters and log into the Alliance network. My shift may be over, but the work isn't yet done. I need something to focus on anyway, and analyzing data always takes my mind off things. At least… it always did before I was placed at a work station next to the greatest soldier in the galaxy.

_When did this start? Immediately upon leaving for Mars? No… it must have started after that, when I saw the crew come back on board. If she and Liara hadn't been so close, so familiar, so… obvious… I probably wouldn't have thought it was a possibility at all. _

I sit back in the chair and stare at the screen. My eyes aren't focused but I continue scanning the page anyway. There is another crew member in here and I need to keep up appearances. I need to look busy; to look like I've a purpose. I wonder if anyone else has noticed how distracted I've been. I hope not.

_I can't stop thinking about her. It's utterly ridiculous. _

Of _course_ it's utterly ridiculous. I don't stand a chance at all, really. All of the rumors indicate that Shepard and Liara have a history reaching back _years_. There's no way that she is going to throw that away for some new face who was just randomly assigned to the Normandy retrofit team. Why am I still even thinking about this? Why am I even still _here_? Why put myself through the torture? I know better than anyone what happens when you stick your hand in the fire.

_Riiight… but you keep sticking your hand back into the fire, don't you, Samantha? Remember Leirah? You knew there was no way in a million years that was going to go anywhere. You need to stop going after women who are already taken. _

I brush my hand against the screen and flip to the next page of data. Most of it is just noise, but at least it's in good company with the racket that's going on in my head. I could almost wish that there were more people in here. At least the sounds of chatter would drown out the dialogue in my head. I flip to the next page of data, grateful that the words have stopped swimming in my vision and things are starting to clear up. My mind is still wandering to thoughts of the commander, but the intensity is starting to subside now that I've left the bridge and there isn't a constant reminder. Still, my mind wanders.

_Why Commander Shepard, though? Why not the asari?_

I think about it for a few moments, but I don't have an answer for that. At least, not one that would make sense to 99% of the galaxy. I give the matter additional thought, but even after considering it at length as I sit here pretending to read comm logs, I have to dismiss the notion. I just don't feel anything for the asari. I appreciate the asari people as a species, and recognize their beauty, but there is nothing about Liara that causes my veins to ignite, not like the thought of being near Commander Shepard. I don't think about the stress Liara might be under, down there in her information brokerage dungeon. I don't really care. All that matters is the woman who steps onto the CiC platform and puts on her very best 'I'm here to save all of you' face. She's spent her whole life defending and saving us. I want to be the one to save _her_.

My head hurts, and I feel empty. I'd like to go and find her, but it would hardly be appropriate to knock on Liara's door and ask to see the commander without a _really _good reason. Best to just put that thought out of my mind entirely. I flip the page once more and continue pretending to read the words in front of me. All of it is just random Cerberus communication, some distress beacons, some pirate chatter. None of it is particularly interesting or important. I flip the pages, one after the other, and fall into a sort of trance, just thinking about what it would be like to be Commander Shepard's consort.

_Hmm… What happened then?_

Something catches my eye, even though I was very careful not to actually pay any attention to these logs. I suppose that sometimes happens when you put the brain on autopilot and disappear into a fantasy. In any event, it's something that I need to run past EDI, and something that the commander might want to see.

_An excuse to see the commander… perfect. This is how you insert yourself into her life, Samantha. Keep finding things that are useful to her. _

I smile, and have to consciously stop myself from hugging the terminal. It's not easy.

I'm Specialist Traynor, and this is my favorite place in the universe.


End file.
